Secessionist Sarah’s Gettysburg Address

One polling scare and thirty-four months ago, John McCain inflicted on this continent a desperation move, conceived in cynicism, and dedicated to the proposition that all women shall vote for a token VP candidate, and also, too, that a dimwitted Journalism major and an editor of the Harvard Law Review are created equal.

Now I am engaged in a Great Grifting Scheme, testing whether fugly white Christian women, seething with vile racist hatred, can be fleeced of their Gubmint Soshulist Security checks. We are met at a great fundraising event of that scheme, and I have come to dedicate a portion of SarahPAC proceeds, as proof positive that those who here give their cash, do so that my daughter may have unlimited cosmetic surgery and her own reality show. It is altogether fitting and proper that us Real ‘mercans®—yes, even those who don’t have their own personal Witch Doctors—should do this.

But, in a larger sense, Charlie, I cannot dedicate, I cannot consecrate, I cannot hallow this ground without demonstrable profit. The decrepit old white Christian men, living and dead, who struggled to get up that hill in their free Medicaid scooters, have consecrated it, far above my expectation of the gate receipts. The world will little note, nor long remember the nonsensical word salad that spews from my Twitter account, but it can never forget the money I made here.

It is for us the wealthy, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who pay me have thus far so nobly advanced. Also, too, it is for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining until my Greed…er… One Nation Tour is over—that from these ignorant rubes I take increased donations to that cause for which they give the last full measure of their measly bank accounts—that I here highly resolve that these rubes shall not have contributed in vain—that Sarah Palin, under the Warmongering God of Joel’s Army, shall give a new birth to Fascism—and that government of the non-believers, by Big Oil, for the sake of my net worth, shall not perish from the earth.

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For those who prefer United States History to Republican Revisionist History®, here is the actual text of Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address.

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Did you know? Sarah’s husband, Todd Palin, was a member of the Alaskan Independence Party, an extremist secessionist group that gained the backing of Iran (yes, that Iran) in it’s efforts to secede from the good ol’ USA?

Also, too, here’s Sarah, “delighted” to give the welcome speech to the 2008 Alaskan Independence Party Convention. Good thing the dumb fucking hicks don’t know about teh YouTubes, eh?

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Mr. Boehner: Where are the Jobs?

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