Archive for category Newsitainment Media Fail
How Do We Solve a Problem Like The Media?
Posted by NamelessGenXer in FOXaganda®, Newsitainment Media Fail on July 22, 2011
Let them know how they are hurting the country — and your family — by:
- refusing to report the truth about Republican Treason and Ignorance
- focusing on shiny objects like Casey Anthony instead of Republican Treason and Ignorance
- inventing and ginning up non-troversies to ensure that the media becomes the story, rather than the Republican Treason and Ignorance
- relying on false equivalency to support the ”all Politicians are Treasonous or Ignorant” meme
- presenting Republican Ignorance in dispute of Scientific Fact (hint: fact means non-disputable)
- using commercial timeouts to present propaganda for Bankstas, Big Oil, Big Pharma and Kochroaches (i.e. the financiers of Republican Treason and Ignorance)
Network/Cable Television
ABC News
147 Columbus Ave.,
New York, NY 10023
Phone: 212-456-7777
General e-mail: netaudr@abc.com
Nightline: nightline@abcnews.com
20/20: 2020@abc.com
CBS News
524 W. 57 St.,
New York, NY 10019
Phone: 212-975-4321
Fax: 212-975-1893
Email forms for all CBS news programs
CBS Evening News: evening@cbsnews.com
The Early Show: earlyshow@cbs.com
60 Minutes II: 60m@cbsnews.com
48 Hours: 48hours@cbsnews.com
Face The Nation: ftn@cbsnews.com
CNBC
900 Sylvan Avenue
Englewood Cliffs, NJ 07632
Phone: (201) 735-2622
Fax: (201) 583-5453
Email: info@cnbc.com
CNN
One CNN Center
Box 105366
Atlanta, GA 30303-5366
Phone: 404-827-1500
Fax: 404-827-1784
Email forms for all CNN news programs
Fox News Channel (The GOP Ministry of Propaganda)
1211 Ave. of the Americas
New York, NY 10036
Phone: (212) 301-3000
Fax: (212) 301-4229
comments@foxnews.com
Special Report with Bret Baier: Special@foxnews.com
FOX Report with Shepard Smith: Foxreport@foxnews.com
The O’Reilly Factor: Oreilly@foxnews.com
Hannity: Hannity@foxnews.com,
On the Record with Greta: Ontherecord@foxnews.com
Glenn Beck: GlennBeck@foxnews.com < FORCED OFF THE AIR BY THE TRUE PATRIOTS
MSNBC/NBC
30 Rockefeller Plaza
New York, NY 10112
Phone: (212) 664-4444
Fax: (212) 664-4426
Dateline NBC: dateline@nbcuni.com
Hardball with Chris Matthews: hardball@msnbc.com
MSNBC Reports with Joe Scarborough: joe@msnbc.com
NBC Nightly News with Brian Williams: nightly@nbc.com
NBC News Today: today@nbc.com
PBS
2100 Crystal Drive
Arlington VA 22202
Phone: 703-739-5000
Fax: 703-739-5777
The NewsHour with Jim Lehrer: newshour@pbs.org
National Radio Programs
National Public Radio (NPR)
635 Massachusetts Ave. NW
Washington, DC 20001-3753
Phone: 202-513-2000
Fax: 202-513-3329
E-mail: Alicia Shephard, Ombudsman ombudsman@npr.org
Rush Limbaugh
1270 Avenue of the Americas
New York, NY 10020
Phone (on air): 800-282-2882
Fax: 212-445-3963
E-mail: ElRushbo@eibnet.com
Sean Hannity
Phone (on air): 800-941-7326
Sean Hannity: 212-613-3800
James Grisham, Producer: 212-613-3832
E-mail: Phil Boyce, Program Director phil.boyce@citcomm.com
National Newspapers
The Los Angeles Times
202 West First Street
Los Angeles, CA 90012
Phone: 800-528-4637 or 213-237-5000
Fax: 213-237-4712
L.A. Times Contact Information by Department
Letters to the Editor: letters@latimes.com
Readers’ Representative: readers.rep@latimes.com
The New York Times
620 8th Ave.
New York, NY 10018
Phone: 212-556-1234
D.C. Bureau phone: 202-862-0300
Fax: 212-556-3690
Letters to the Editor (for publication): letters@nytimes.com
Write to the news editors: news-tips@nytimes.com
Corrections: senioreditor@nytimes.com
USA Today
7950 Jones Branch Dr.
McLean, VA 22108
Phone: 703-854-3400
Fax: 703-854-2078
Letters to the Editor: editor@usatoday.com
The Wall Street Journal
1211 Avenue of the Americas
New York, NY 10036
Phone: 212-416-2000
Fax: 212-416-2658
Letters to the Editor: wsj.ltrs@wsj.com
Comment on News Articles: wsjcontact@dowjones.com
The Washington Post
1150 15th St., NW
Washington, DC 20071
Phone: 202-334-6000
Fax: 202-334-5075
Letters to the Editor: letters@washpost.com
Ombudsman: ombudsman@washpost.com
Magazines
Newsweek
251 W 57th Street
New York, NY 10019
Phone: 212-445-4000
Fax: 212-445-5068
Letters to the Editor: letters@newsweek.com
Time
Time & Life Bldg.
Rockefeller Center
1271 Avenue of the Americas
New York, NY 10020
Phone: 212-522-1212
Fax: 212-522-0003
Letters to the Editor letters@time.com
U.S. News & World Report
1050 Thomas Jefferson St., NW
Washington, DC 20007
Phone: 202-955-2000
Fax: 202-955-2049
Letters to the Editor letters@usnews.com
News Services / Wires
Associated Press
450 West 33rd St.
New York, NY 10001
Phone: 212-621-1500
Fax: 212-621-1723
General Questions and Comments: info@ap.org
Reuters
Three Times Square
New York, NY 10036
Telephone: 646-223-4000
United Press International
1133 19th Street, NW
Suite 800
Washington, DC 20036
Telephone: 202-898-8000
FAX: 202-898-8048
Comments and Tips: tips@upi.com
http://www.fair.org/index.php?page=111
Mr. Boehner: Where are the Jobs?
Alternate Titles for Palin’s Latest Grifting Scheme… er, Movie
Posted by NamelessGenXer in Newsitainment Media Fail, Sarah Palin: Grifter on May 25, 2011
Laughing out loud this morning at the Balloon Juice Commentariat re: the latest grifting scheme from Vacuous Celebrity Sarah Palin® so here’s some one-stop-shopping for all your copy & pasting needs.
2012: A Space Cadet’s Odyssey
2012: A Specious Oddity
A Campaign Too Far
A Fibber Runs Through It
A Fistful of Dollars, Also II
A Nightmare on Your Street
A Room with a View of Russia
A Serious Joke
Alaska Family Robbing Soon
Alaska Shrugged
All About Thieves
All Quiet On the Frontal Lobe
All Quiet on the Wingnut Front
All the Candidate’s Family
All The President’s Men Snickered
Also Too: Electric Boogaloo
Amadoofus
Animal Spouse
Apocalypse Soon
Apocalypstick on a Pig
As Bad As It Gets
Attack of the 50-IQ-Point Woman
Attack of the Stupid Bimbo
Auntie Lame
Babbling On 5
Back to the Past
Batshit Begins
Batshit Forever
Batshit Returns
Battlefield Earth II
Bimbo Fink
Birdbrain of Anchorage
Birther of a Nation
Bitch Cassidy and the Oddly Named Kids
Blazing Prattle
Blood Simple-Minded
Blunderball
Brainspotting
Bridge on the Tongass Narrows
Bringing Out The Dread
Bristol’s Millions
Burn After Watching
Burst Sarah Burst
Burying Alaska
Bye, Bye, Birdbrain
C*A*S*H (double featured with Gone With The Palins)
Camp Nowhere
Campaign Season Fever
Casablankstare
Casabumpkin
Chagrintown
Chariots of Bile
Chariots of Liar
Citizen Con
Citizen Inane
Citizen Insane
Citizen Vain
Close Encounters of a Closed Mind
Clueless II Also
Cocktail Party Punchline
Coffee, Tea, and Pay Me
Crocodile Fundie
Crouching Palin, Hidden Dragonlady
Cultural Learnins of Alaska for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of America
Das (Nieman Marcus) Boots
Dazed and Confused, Also II
Death Panel Becomes Her
Death Race 2012
Desperately Seeking Syntax
Despicable Her
Do the Stupid Thing
Dopey’s Choice
Dr. Griftlove or: How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The Apocalypse
Dr. No Fucking Way She Just Said That
Driving Miss Crazy
Dumb, Dumber, and Dumbest: The Sarah Palin Story
Dumbsmoke
Easy Grifter
Easy Liar
Erasedhead
Eternal Sunshine of the Right Wing Mind
Fahrenheit All of Them
Falling Up
Fancy Pageant Walker Texas Ranger: The Movie.
Fantasia 2012
Far Away, Too Close
Fauxy Lady
Firing Super Troopers
First Dude, Where’s My Vice Presidency?
Five Sleazy Pieces
Flashdunce
Flung Poo Pander
For A Few Million Dollars More
Forgetting Sarah Palin
Four Campaigns and a Movie
Four Photo Ops and a Turkey Slaying
Free Tickets and Our Air Conditioner is Working
From Here To Inanity
From Here to Insanity
From Here to Paternity
From Here to Wingnuttia
From Wasilla with Hate
Full Mental Jackass
Full Metal Straight Jacket
Full Pleather Jacket
Fun With Levi’s Dick and Jane
Gentlemen Prefer Morons
Gone with the Cash
Gone with the Mind
Gone with the Whine
Governor Interrupted
Grifter Nation
Griftereye
Grifters For Algernon
Grizzly Madam
Guess Who’s Coming To Zing Her
Have Some More Num Nums You Fat Teabagging Sacks of Shit, or How I Learned To Sit Still While Sarah Palin Robbed My Dumb Ass Blind
Heading for Mexico – Like The Rest Of The Country
Helicopter Dances With Wolves
High Plains Grifter
Honey, I Exploited the Kids!
How Green Was My V.P.
How to Lose An Election in 10 Weeks
How to Lose Friends and Alienate People: Documentary Edition
How to Make An American Quit
How to Make An American Wilt
How To Succeed in Conservatism Without Really Trying
How To Fail In Politics By Not Really Trying
How To Train Your Dragon Lady
I, Botox
Ice Grifter Cometh
Ice Station C-Bra
Idiocracy
I’m Gonna Grift You Sucka
In What Respect, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory?
In What Respect, Charlie Brown?
Inarticulate Proposal
Inglourious Bitch
Ingrate Expectations
Intolerable Cruelty
It’s a Wonderful Lie
Jackass 4 II
John McCain’s a Series of Unfortunate Events
Juneau II: Post Partum
Keepin’ it Steal
Killer Klown from Outer Alaska
Kindergarten Governor
Kiss Kiss Bang Bang Wink Wink
Kung Fool Sarah
Legally Braindead
Legends of the Fail
Le Miserable
Less Than Zero IQ
Liarance of Alaska
Lie Another Day
Lie Hard
Lie Hard Also II
Lie Hard with a Vengeance
Little Governor of Horrors
Little Miss Barking
Lonesome Gov
Look Who’s Screeching, Also II
Loonraker
Lost in Transcription
Lyin’ in Winter
Mad Sarah to the Max
Malice Doesn’t Grift Here Anymore
Maverick Fever Pitch
McCain’s List
Meet Joe the Plumber
Meet the Parents. And the Kids. And Their Kids. And their Kids’ Kids’ Baby Daddies
Mentl
Midnight Quitter
Miracle on Meth Street
Mommie Dearest, Also II
Mommy Palin’s Life of Quit’n
Monster’s Fall
Monty Python and the Holy Grifter
Mooseferatu
Mother, Jugs and Greed
Mrs. Doubtevolution
Mrs. Doubtsanity
Mrs. Grift Goes To Washington
Mrs. Palin Visits Juneau Part-Time, Takes Housing Allowance
Mutiny on the Campaign
My Left Foot (Is In My Mouth Also, Too)
My Little Phony
Nailin’ Palin (or has that already been used?)
National Lampoon’s Presidential Candidate
Night of the Living Douchebag
Nightmare on Your Street
No Country for Black Men
No Country For Half-Term Governors
No Country For Newspaper Reading
No Hope No Change: The Sarah Palin Story
North By Nordstroms
Northern Blights
Northern Overexposure
Not-Hur
Not-So-Brave Heart
On a Clear Day You Can See teh Stupid
One Flew Out of the Cuckoo’s Nest
One Thick Phony
Pale Derider
Paligula
Palin 9 From Outer Space
Palin Hood: Princess of Thieves
Palin vs. Palin
Palindrama (hope the fucking mittens’ oppo research is up to the job)
Patriot Lames
Petty Baby
Petty Woman
PILF!
Pride and Prejudice, Also II
Profiles in Couric
Psycho II Also
Pulp Diction
Quit the Right Thing
Racky (starring Appalling Greed)
Raging Bullshit
Raiders of the Lost Surplus
Rain Woman
Real America and the Quest for the Golden Newspaper Stand
Reality Based Community Bites
Red Yawn
Re-Fudiator
Requiem for a Scheme
Riding in Clown Cars with Grizzly Mamas
Roger Ailes and Me
Scam By Me
S*H*I*T
Sarah and Sarah and Sarah and Sarah
Sarah, Blame and Gall
Sarah, Vain and Small
Sarah Palin and the Chamber of Echo
Sarah Palin and the Deathly Panels
Sarah Palin and the Half Term of Doom
Sarah Palin and the Last Crusade
Sarah Palin and the Temple of D’oh
Sarahnormal Activity
Saving Princess Palin
Say (Absolutely) Anything
Scent of A Moron
Serial Mom, also II
Sex, Lies, and Twitterfeeds
Shootout at the GOP Corral
Six Days, Seven Nights (then I quit)
Slumwolf Millionaire
Snakes in the Brain
Snark Attack 3: Megalomaniac
Snowbilly Grifter and the United States of 27%
So I Married a Syntax Murderer
Soylent Mean
Spender in the Dress
Spite Night
Squirmish
Star Bursts Episode 1 : The Phantom Nuisance
Star Bursts Episode 2 : Attack of the Clueless
Star Bursts Episode 3 : Revenge of the Stupid
Star Bursts Episode 4 : A New Imbecile
Star Bursts Episode 5 : The Idiot Strikes Back
Star Bursts Episode 6 : Return of the Moron
Starburst Wars
Starwhore
Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot Your Primary Hopes Dead
Stranger than Pulp Fiction
Sullivan’s Travails
Swindler’s List
Take the Money and Run
Tard Dreck V: The Search for Palin’s Brain
Taxi Driver II, Sarah Cleanses New York
Tea Agony and Tea Ecstasy
Tea Party in the Garden of Good and Evil
Tea with Moosilini
The 40-Year-Old Sixth Grader
The Alaskan Mental Patient
The Alaskan Queen
The American Press-is-Dense
The Apostle’s Screed
The Bad News Mama Bears
The Brain Dead Zone
The Bridge on the River No One Lives Near
The Christian Dominionist Candidate
The Clinging Defective
The Collapsing Inferno
The Countrykillers
The Dead Panel
The Deadliest Wretch
The Delusionist
The Devil Wears Mukluks
The Evil (not quite) Dead
The Exorcist Failed
The Faketrix
The Fall of the House of Musher
The Flim Flam Ma’am
The Free Red Shoes
The Godbotherer
The Goodbye Governor
The Graduate (Finally!)
The Grating Voice of Wrath
The Greatest Snowjob on Earth
The Greatest Story Ever Sold
The Grifters
The Half Monty
The Half-Term Princess
The Handmaid’s Fail
The Harrad/Hawaii Pacific/Northern Idaho/Idaho/Matanuska-Susitna College/Idaho Experiment
The Horseshit Whisperer
The House of Seven Grifters
The Human Conservapede (Half-Term Sequence)
The Hurt Locker
The Illustrated Dingbat
The Incredible Sulk
The Incurious Case of Sarah Snowbilly
The Insanitarium of Quitter Dumbass
The Jerk II, Also
The Kids Are All Fucked Up
The Legend of Teabagger Rants
The Lord of the Lies
The Lyin’, The Bitch and the Million Dollar Wardrobe
The Lying Game
The Maladjustment Bureau
The Mannequin Candidate
The Mansourian Candidate
The Neverending Whorey
The Newspaperchase
The Non-Graduate
The People vs. Sarah Palin
The Princess Pride
The Rape Kits of Wrath
The Right Bluff
The Right Stuff, Also II
The Rocky Horror Campaign Show
The Scorn Identity
The Scum Also Rises
The Shawshank Refudiation
The Silence of the Media
The Silence of the Turkeys
The SixthNon Sense
The Sociopath Network
The Sour Grapes of Staff
The Sucker Proxy
The Sun Also Rises, Too
The Treasure of the Sarah Con Game
The Unbearable Denseness of Being Sarah Palin
The Unbearable Whiteness Of Being Sarah Palin
The UnProfessional
The Unteachables
The Unusual Suspects
The Vagina Diatribes
The Wasillaville Horror
The Way We Were (White People)
The Wench Connection
The Whole Two-and-a-Half Yards
The Wholly Babble
The Woman Who Knew Too Little
The X-Gov Files: Fight Her Future
The Year of Living Ludicrously
The GOP and Their Dog
There Will Be Blood Libel
They Call Me Sister Fibs
They Died With Thigh Boots On
Throw Sarah From the Train
Throw Levi From The Train
Titanic II – You Know How This Ends
To Be or Not to Be, also, too…. what was the question?
To Kill a Mocking Couric
To Mock a Birdkilling
To Roger Ailes, Thanks for Everything – Sarah Oldmar
Todd and Sarah’s Excellent Fail Parade
Trailerpark Millionaire
Training Day Fuck, better make that a coupla years
Triumph of the Shill
Triumph of the Shrill
True Grift
True Quit
True Shit
Twelve Million Angry White Men
Two Mewls for Sister Sarah
Two Years for Sister Sarah
Unelectable
Unforgiven
Vapid Fire
Village of the Scammed
Wannabe Cowboys vs. Illegal Aliens
War On the Words
Wasila Birther Mystery
Wasilla vs. Mechadestroyah
Weird Pseudo-Intelligent Design
Wet Dreams May Come: The Rich Lowry Story
When Sarah Met Money
Where Vultures Dare
White Club
White Hunter, Black Socialist
White People Can’t Think
Who’s Afraid of the Virginia Primary?
Wingnut Ridge
With Deepest Apathy
Witless
Word Salad Days
Yankee Doodle Dimwit
You’ve Got Fail
Mr. Boehner: Where are the Jobs?
How to Sell The Millennials on Hate, Fear and Greed
Posted by NamelessGenXer in Newsitainment Media Fail on April 29, 2011
Just saw this post on the Reid Report. Apparently, the Republicans are scared — downright terra-fied — of the possibility that the 18 to 34 year-old crowd aren’t buying their message of Hate, Fear and Greed, preferring instead President Obama’s message of Hope and Change.
Scary stuff, right? In fact, their plea for cold hard cash to counteract this outrage was so heartfelt that I figured I’d help the pathetic bastards out.
Dear RedState Fundraisers:
I understand you have launched a new effort to get the 18-34 year old Obama voters to vote for [Republican Nominee] in 2012 and I’m writing with some good ideas on how to do that.
First of all, 18-34 year old Obama voters from 2008 will be the 22-38 year-olds Obama voters in 2012, so let’s just say you’re targeting The Millennials. Also know as Generation Y, they are the 14th American Generation and the most racially diverse ever, whose earliest cohorts were the High School Class of 2000, and are now approaching 30. They are destined to become The New Greatest and I must say that doesn’t bode well for you because, as you know, The Greatest successfully defeated Right-Wing Fascism. (just sayin…)
Born after 1982, The Millennials don’t remember a time when ‘merca wasn’t spiraling into decay, overrun by ignorant, racist trailer trash who dismiss radio-carbon dating and climate change as ‘librul conspiracies’ and preach the gospel of HATE, so it’s going to be a mighty tough sell, getting them to buy into The Republican Path to Poverty.
The good news is, you boys can save some of the Koch Brothers/Citizens United $billions you would have spent on Liberty U. hacks speechwriters, because I’ve already written the perfect speech for [Republican Nominee] to use at Republican Propaganda Events® staged to convince The Millennials that the Republican Party gives a flying fuck about them, or their kids, or their parents.
1) VENUE CONSIDERATIONS:
With regard to venue, it is likely that you will be able to attract more Millennials in college towns, but use extreme caution with this. College students tend to be very bright — many actually believe in that bogus science-y stuff, so best bet is that [Republican Nominee] does not mention the official Conservative Position that the earth is a mere 6,000 years old and that is how Vacuous Celebrity Sarah Palin® knows that Jesus rode around on dinosaurs.
Once you’ve managed to actually attract some Millennials to the Republican Propaganda Event®, [Republican Nominee]* staff will have to ensure that the young people have an unobstructed view of the decrepit old white people who have been bused in by the Koch Brothers. Make sure their Free Medicaid scooters are parked in nice neat rows and that their “Obama-as-a-Nazi-Chimp” signs are clearly visible —> This is of Critical Importance! Our polling indicates that the great wit expressed by these signs will go a long way towards changing the hearts and minds of the millions of young people who voted for the Obama in 2008.
*Important Note
If Vacuous Celebrity Sarah Palin® is [Republican Nominee], best to avoid college towns entirely, and limit the discussion to how the librul’s fixed the judging on”Dancing with the Stars”.
The upside of a Vacuous Celebrity Sarah Palin Propaganda Event® is that there will be plenty of demented old white women with bed hair and missing teeth. Our polling suggests that deranged shouts of “Kill Him!” will also go a long way towards changing the hearts and minds of the millions of young people who voted for the Obama in 2008, too. Also.
2) SPEECH INTRO:
“My fellow ‘mercans… Look! Look at the [shiny object]! Fear the [shiny object]!”
Instructions
Insert Scary Keywords™ into the [shiny object] field as required, based on who is financing the particular Republican Propaganda Event®
Examples:
For FOX News financing, use “Fear the Kenyan Muslim Nazi Socialist!”
For NRA Financing, use “Fear the Kenyan Muslim Nazi Socialist, who wants to take yer guns, Billy-Bob!”
NOTE: to save some Koch Brothers cash, maybe just play the video of The Evil Huckabilly calling for the assassination of the President
For Exxon/Mobil or BP financing - OR – Republican Propaganda Events® staged in Texas
use “Fear the Kenyan Muslim Nazi Socialist and the Climate Scientists!”NOTE: [Republican Nominee] must restrain his/her self from blurting out,”yeah, yeah, we know climate change is
real, but who cares? the more fossil fuel we force you dumb motherfuckers to burn, the richer we get!”For Mildly Insane Fundie Freak financing (aka Westboro Baptist Church Republicans)
use “Fear the Kenyan Muslim Nazi Socialist and Planned Parenthood!”For Seriously Insane Fundie Freak financing (aka Palin Republicans)
use “Fear the Kenyan Muslim Nazi Socialist who does not want Armageddon!”For Extremely Insane Fundie Freak financing (aka Huckabee Republicans)
use “Fear the Kenyan Muslim Nazi Socialist and the United States Constitution!”NOTE: to save some Koch Brothers cash, maybe just play the video of The Evil Huckabilly stating for the record that he wants to replace The Constitution with The Bible.
For Arizona, Wisconsin, Michigan, Ohio, Florida or New Jersey:
N/A No need to bother staging Republican Propaganda Events® in these states. The $billions of Koch Brothers cash spent plastering the airwaves with lies, hate-speech, and fear-mongering worked even better than we hoped! With help from our allies at ProLeft, Inc. who did our bidding by telling Dems to stay home in 2010, we have successfully hoodwinked the ignorant yokels in these states into replacing Constitutional Democracy with Corporate Oligarchy.
We’d be remiss not to include a shout-out to The Bush Supreme Court® for aiding and abetting these Fascist Takeovers, with their brilliant and Constitutionally-sound Citizens United decision. Thanks, Justice Alito, for knowing that corporations are exactly the same as people! See you at our next Republican Fundraiser!
3) RED MEAT OF SPEECH:
“Now, thanks to our successful thirty-year scheme to dumb down the masses —
Stage Business
Brief pause for wink and nod to the bleach-blond FOX spokesmodel who is in charge of Promotion and PR for the Republican Propaganda Event®.
“— we Republicans know that you kids are so stupid, you don’t even know that what The Republican Party is proposing for your future, so just in case anyone’s muddy on the nuts and bolts of The Republican Path to Poverty, allow me to explain.”
“Through the beneficence of your Tax-Free Corporate Masters, you will be given a low-wage, no-benefit McJob serving coal-fired red meat to gun-toting good ol’ boys. You will barely make ends meet throughout your lifetime as a slave to the Republican Corporate Oligarchy, work til you’re 70 — if lack of health care doesn’t get you first, that is [Sarah Palin Wink™ ] — then face retirement in abject poverty. And even better: all the while you get to watch as your Pac-Rim peers leapfrog past you in living standards, courtesy of producing and exporting Green Energy technology to the U.S. and the world!
“You see, the crux of The Republican Path to Poverty is that, instead of some of your taxes going to ensure that you will have access to minimum health care when you retire, these taxes will instead be given directly to ExxonMobil and/or some toupee-wearing assclown with a cheesy reality show! Awesome, right?
“Now, some of you might be thinking, but what about my parents? They’ve been paying Medicare taxes for, like, thirty years, now. Will I be responsible for their medical bills, too, when they retire? The answer is: YES! Jokes on them because we’re handing their money directly to Exxon and Trump, too! You Millennials will just have to take care of your kids — and your parents — the best you can out of your Wal-Mart paycheck. Maybe best to just cross your fingers that the ER will have room for your kid/wife/mother if the need ever arises.
“You see, we Republicans are all about ‘family values’ but only as it applies only to our families. We don’t give a give a rat’s ass about your family — so your wife/kid/mother dies from lack of decent health care? Big deal. You can take solace from the fact that your hard-earned cash went to bigger national priorities, like making sure Exxon has plenty of cash to manufacture some more climate change denial propaganda, and helping Dick Cheney pay for his new condo in Dubai.”
Stage Business
Teabaggers will break out in wild cheering at the mention of The Big Dick —> do not attempt to stop it! Our polling suggests that the millions of young people who cited disgust at the War Crimes committed by the Cheney Regime as the number one reason they voted for Obama in 2008, have changed their minds about Torture, and now believe that Torture is, indeed, what makes ‘merca great.
“Now, as you know, the only real ‘mercans are white, straight, Fundamentalist Christians, and that people of all other races, sexual preferences, and religions are lesser humans to be feared [emphatic]. If you young people vote for us, rest assured that we’ll continue to:
“One: use the FOX 24/7 Republican Propaganda Channel, to spew vile hate-speech at your friends and loved ones who are Black, Latino, Asian, Catholic, Jewish, Muslim, Buddhist, Hindu, Wiccan, Agnostic, Atheist, Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, or employed by Hollywood.
“Two: use The United States Congress, working in conjunction with The Bush Supreme Court®, to ensure that Constitutional rights and protections are systematically stripped from these same friends and loved ones — witness our incredible success in stripping Constitutional protections from brown people in Jan Brewer’s Arizona! Bet you Millennials can’t wait to experience the thrill of having your friends and loved ones being forced to produce their papers! It’ll be just like those awesome Nazis on the train at the end of The Great Escape!
“Anyway, now that I’ve touched on sexual preference, allow me to expand on the Republican Party’s official position on the Sin of Sex®.
Stage Business
Pause for Fundie Freak cheering, while decrepit old white men pop their Free Medicare Viagra at the mention of ‘sex’.
“Our position, simply stated, is the Missionary Position, and that is only permissible between decrepit old, white Republican men and their frigid, downtrodden Republican wives (and just never mind the occasional crack hos they bring into the fun house that is the C Street Christian Congressional Lodgings).
“Also with regard to the Sin of Sex®, I’d like now to speak directly to those of you Millennials who were born female and, as such, are judged by God and man to be inferior. You’ll be pleased to hear that the Republican Party will do whatever it takes to ensure that when it comes to Choice for you and your daughters, the choice will be:
a) give birth OR b) prison
“Now, unlike during the Bush Administration, when the Republican Congress was spending like drunken, syphilis-addled cowboys, you are now hearing a lot of talking points from the Koch Brothers Heritage Foundation Republican Party about the horrors of the national debt. But — and let me be perfectly clear on this — we Republicans will raise that pesky debt ceiling in a New York Minute to borrow from China to fund — you got it! — another Unfunded Republican Ideological Crusade!
“In fact, the brand spanking new Republican Government Department of Uterus Regulation will be as big of a burden on future generations as the BushCo Unfunded Tax Cuts for The Wealthy, Bushco’s Unfunded Wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, and the Bushco Unfunded Big Pharma Giveaway!
Stage Business
Pause for cheering from teabaggers who know that ‘unfunded’ means the same thing as ‘funded’
“Yes, that’s right! We will borrow trillions from China to create a HUGE NEW Government Agency that will monitor the menstrual cycles of every single ‘mercan woman of child-bearing age — and that even includes white women! Should we discover that your period is one day late, we will immediately dispatch the Rand Paul Pregnancy Police™ to begin your mandatory Nine-Month 24/7 Government Pregnancy Supervision.
“In addition, the Koch Brothers will pay The Bush Supreme Court® to issue a ruling that “Privacy” does not in any way apply to the homes, work places, or doctor’s offices of pregnant women. And God forbid, you suffer the unspeakable tragedy of spontaneous miscarriage — sucks to be you because we Republicans are going to criminalize miscarriage, too!
“Now you might say that this is in direct contradiction to the Republican mantra of ohmmmm… small government… ohmmm… small government. But, as you know, we Teabagging Republicans wear our hypocrisy as a badge of honor. While we believe that small government and no regulation is best for Private Enterprise, we reject out-of-hand the notion that your uterus is private.
“I know it’s hard not to get excited about all this Republican Government Department of Uterus Regulation, but unfortunately, there is a small downside to all of this. As you know, Vacuous Celebrity Sarah Palin* says that birth control is abortion, so we will, of course, impose a massive new tax on the middle-class to compensate Big Pharma for lost revenues when we outlaw The Pill.
* Important Note
If [Republican Nominee] is Vacuous Celebrity Sarah Palin, have a literate aide write the following on her hand:
Replace ”Vacuous Celebrity Sarah Palin says” with ”I say”
“Once again, the Big Pharma Compensation Tax will only be levied on the middle class, so there’s no need for Donald Trump to fear it, and of course, the Republican Government Department of Uterus Regulation will not affect the daughters and granddaughters of old rich white men, as they have the God-given right to travel via private jet to Canada, England or any other enlightened nation, for their safe, legal abortions.
“Now, you might ask: what will become of the children that the Republican Government Department of Uterus Regulation will force you Millennial females to have? Well, as you know, as much as we love the fetus, we hate the child, so the Republican Path to Poverty also repeals the The Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act, with the extra added bonus of eliminating Medicaid, too! We vow to ensure that the unborn have a “right to life” only until they die from hunger or lack of healthcare, whichever comes first.
“You see, we Republicans believe it is a sign of ‘mercan exceptionalism that the good old U.S. of A. is rated 29th worldwide in infant mortality and a sparkling #2 in child poverty at just over 22% — and if a few more of those skinny goddamned Mexican kids would just die already, we’d be #1!”
Stage Business
Pause for rousing and protracted teabagger cheering.
4) ROUSING CONCLUSION
Instructions
[Republican Nominee] will, at this time, turn the hate-speech and fear-mongering up a notch by inserting the same Scary Keywords™ as in SPEECH INTRO into the [shiny object] fields below.
In lieu of Scary Keywords™, you may also insert race, religion and/or sexual orientation of ‘THE OTHER’ as a means to whip up the fear. This is probably the better approach if Republican Propaganda Event® is being staged in Kansas, Nebraska, or Oklahoma.
“My friends, I started out today by talking about how terra-fying the [shiny object] should be to all young ‘mercans, and I must reiterate: BE AFRAID! Be very afraid! Be afraid of everything and everyone! Be so paralyzed with fear of [shiny object] that that you will believe everything you hear on the FOX 24/7 Republican Propaganda Channel and vote against your own best interests!
“Never forget that a vote for a Republican is a vote to give up a modicum of security in your old age so that Big Oil can keep its $4 Billion in annual subsidies and tax-exempt status, and — more importantly — ensure that talentless, professional celebrities like Sarah Palin and Donald Trump never — ever — have to fly commercial!
“But most importantly, when you young people vote Republican, you will put The Millennial Generation’s indelible stamp of approval on The Republican Path to Poverty and suffer the consequences for the rest of your lives!”
Stage Business
Propaganda Event ends with red, white and blue ExxonMobil balloons dropping on crowd.
[Republican Nominee] will at this time salute the Confederate flag and invite everyone to join in the singing of the New Republican National Anthem.
REPUBLICAN NOMINEE:
“Everybody — sing along! I got mine — fuck you! That’s right, everybody…c’mon…”
KOCH BROTHERS BUSED-IN TEABAGGERS:
“I got mine — fuck you! I got mine — fuck you! I got mine — fuck you! I got mine — fuck you!”
MILLENNIALS:
Oops! They ran screaming into the night, like, fifteen minutes ago, feeling badly in need of a shower, kicking themselves for listening when ProLeft, Inc. told them to stay home in 2010, and thoroughly convinced to vote for Obama again in 2012.
Sorry I couldn’t be of more help.
Sincerely,
Nameless GenXer from Jersey
I have mailed a hard copy of this, along with my blog URL to the “Human Events” published address, and, just for laughs, I’ve also sent it to Megan McCain, Millennial Ambassador for the Toothless Inbred Fuckwit Party (formerly know as the GOP). I’m really hoping they respond because I think it will make for some excellent chuckles over beers with my true blue buds.
Preemptive Apologies: I really do believe that there are people in Kansas, Nebraska, and Oklahoma who are not dumb fucking hicks. Really, I do.
Mr. Boehner: Where are the Jobs?
The Great Carnival-Barker-Perpetrated Flag Pin Scandal of 2008
Posted by NamelessGenXer in FOXaganda®, Newsitainment Media Fail on April 27, 2011
Theories abound as to why the President felt it was necessary to cut through the red tape of procuring his “long form” birth certificate from Hawaii and releasing it today. Personally, I’d be in deep shit if anyone ever asked me for something other than the handwritten “Notification of Birth Registration” I have from Pennsylvania. My middle name is spelled wrong on it (it’s Anne not Ann) but it was enough to get me a United States Passport as proof of citizenship. Yeah for lily white me, I guess.
I think the most plausible theory is that this had nothing to do with the has-been game show host with the ridiculous rug, and a lot to do with the extreme foolishness perpetrated daily by the White House Press Corpse on serious, hard-working people who spend long days tackling the heinous problems created by forty years of reckless ”conservative” policies. (Can someone please tell me what they actually “conserve” anyway? Beside their personal wealth, I mean. THX.)
Anyway, the good news is that the smart people (and yes, we greatly outnumber the fuckwits) can now rest assured that the name “Barack Hussein Obama” will be on 100% of 2012 General Election ballots, despite the Batshit Birther Bills being floated in the Dumb Fucking Hick States.
BTW: I’m sure many will remember when the very same Sensationalist Carnival Barkers ginned up the Flag Pin Controversy during the ’08 Primaries?
Then, one day, our guy shows up wearing a flag pin.
End of story.
More genius today if you ask me.
UPDATE April 29: The has-been game show host with the ridiculous rug has, after vicious clamoring from the Carnival Barkers at NBC, ABC, CBS, CNN, MSNBC and FOX, released his own Birth Certificate:
Mr. Boehner: Where are the Jobs?
